The human race is in grave danger. Thousands of people are showing severe symptoms already and there is no known cure.
No, not coronavirus, but sheer bloody stupidity.
Never have so many brain cells been sacrificed on the altar of toilet paper fever. Come on people, what is that about?
Why, when you’re warned you may get a (for most folk, mild) respiratory tract infection do you instantly think what you really need in your life is industrial supplies of bog roll?
On what planet does that even begin to make sense? (Okay, possibly Uranus). It’s not as if our sexy new version of flu gives you a runny nose. It’s mainly a dry cough and fever.
The only reason you may need that much Andrex is because you’ve stockpiled baked beans and tinned prunes too. Which is probably highly likely.
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A vaccine for Covid-19 is already being tested and, like every other flu before it, we will soon have this particular lurgy under control. But, alas, being a sheep-minded moron is terminal.
Those efficient German types actually have a word for panic buying – hamsterkauf. It says what it does on the tin (probably tomatoes because they’re being stockpiled too). Hamsters hoard stuff in their cheeks. They also have very small brains. Go figure.
On International Women’s Day footage of females fighting over loo rolls in an Australian supermarket went viral.
Each of them had trolleys full of the stuff. More than they’ll ever need in a month of Sundays, let alone the one or two weeks we’re all supposed to be now sofa surfing in front of Netflix.
Curiously not one of them had any food. Which means they’ll starve to death surrounded by a fortress of pulped trees and cardboard tubes.
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If toilet roll is plain bonkers, shall we add dried pasta to the mix? Supermarkets have also seen their shelves stripped of one of the most disgusting foodstuffs known to mankind. Even if you do cook it properly it’s still a glutinous mess of beige stuff.
Plus it’s from Italy. You know the country were EVERYONE is dying!! (They’re not, but trying to keep up the tradition of reacting like this is a zombie apocalypse).
So if you do have cupboards groaning with penne and fusilli you might want to give every piece a wipe down with the buckets of hand sanitiser you’ve also hoarded.
Which is where it really does get idiotic. Because if you’re one of those numpties who have cleared the shelves of stuff to decontaminate your hands with you’re depriving everyone else.
Which means they’ll be wandering around happily infecting us all. Yay, congratulations on that one, you utter pile of pathetic pillockness.
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Even worse are those who have purchased every painkiller they can get their freshly scrubbed paws on. Look, people are ill with other stuff, especially little kids. Depriving them of things like Calpol really does make you a grade-A selfish wazzock.
There is absolutely no defence for bulk buying. If we all kept our heads and just went about our everyday shopping business we’d all be perfectly able to purchase what we need.
But this applies to almost every aspect of this latest panic pandemic. Rather than all the deliberately scaremongering headlines and reports I’d love to see a storytelling me how many people who have contracted coronavirus survive. Thousands.
The situation will get worse, as any outbreak of winter flu does. It always hits a peak.
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BUT it is down to every single one of us to keep calm and carry on. Nine out of 10 people recover.
Respiratory diseases are responsible for killing thousands of Brits every year.
In 2017-18 the Office for National Statistics recorded 50,100 excess winter deaths in England and Wales which they attributed to the strain of flu that year, an ineffective vaccine and weather.
Yet did that send you into a tailspin of bog roll and pasta? No. So can we all stop being hysterical halfwits and get a grip. Just wash your hands first, okay?
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