{"id":117095,"date":"2023-08-27T11:32:06","date_gmt":"2023-08-27T11:32:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogcamlodipine.com\/?p=117095"},"modified":"2023-08-27T11:32:06","modified_gmt":"2023-08-27T11:32:06","slug":"ask-amy-grieving-daughter-needs-more-comfort","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogcamlodipine.com\/world-news\/ask-amy-grieving-daughter-needs-more-comfort\/","title":{"rendered":"Ask Amy: Grieving daughter needs more comfort"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Amy:<\/strong> I married my husband two years ago.<\/p>\n

He has two children from a previous marriage, both in their mid-20s.<\/p>\n

I have a teen still at home.<\/p>\n

We have a really nice time with his children. We regularly talk\/check in with them, and I believe we have a good relationship.<\/p>\n

However, recently my mother died — after a sudden and torturous battle with cancer.<\/p>\n

My stepchildren have not expressed their condolences in any way, and both skipped the funeral.<\/p>\n

I then saw them two days later and they did not address it at all.<\/p>\n

My feelings are very hurt, but I’m not sure they should be.<\/p>\n

My mother used to say that young adulthood was her least favorite phase of life — people in their 20s are particularly self-involved.<\/p>\n

So this may just be the behavior of that age group.<\/p>\n

I haven’t shared my feelings with my husband because I don’t want him to feel bad.<\/p>\n

I suppose my real worry is that while we all get along, they do not want to be close.<\/p>\n

I do want to be close. I love them and want to nurture a relationship between us and between my own child and them.<\/p>\n

Should I bring this up? Or should I allow my feelings to subside (I’m sure they will), and allow time to tell?<\/p>\n

— Hurt and Confused<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Hurt:<\/strong> Please, don\u2019t question your own hurt feelings. Your feelings are yours, they are real, and you have every right to feel them!<\/p>\n

Your late-mother was onto something about people in their mid-20\u2019s. They are expected to assume mature behavior — because they are adults. But if they don\u2019t know what to do in a given situation (expressing condolences, for instance), they tend to avoid it.<\/p>\n

But, as a reader recently pointed out in this space, we are overall a \u201cgrief illiterate\u201d society, where we lack the cultural tools and traditions to express solidarity and comfort.<\/p>\n

You must talk to your husband about this. This disappointment is adding to your grief.<\/p>\n

He should advocate for you by essentially telling his children how important it is for them to express their condolences to you.<\/p>\n

They can say, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry for your loss,\u201d or even, \u201cI know this is a hard time for you, but I don\u2019t really know what to say.\u201d An acknowledgment will help you to feel less lonely and invisible.<\/p>\n

You and your husband are still in the process of knitting your family together. Let him do his best to comfort you, now.<\/p>\n

Dear Amy:<\/strong> My husband and I have been talking about doing some updating on our house. I would also love to add a fresh coat of paint in one of the rooms, for sure.<\/p>\n

But we have two young children (ages 3 and 1). They are at home — all day every day. I’m trying to teach my children a whole bunch of stuff to make sure they thrive.<\/p>\n

I feel bad any time I try to do something that isn’t directly benefiting the kids.<\/p>\n

I let dishes and laundry pile up for a few days before I actually do anything after they go to bed.<\/p>\n

I feel like I’m neglecting them if I don’t spend as much time as possible playing with them.<\/p>\n

But is it OK to let them play safely in a different room while I try to get the house in better shape?<\/p>\n

How do I let go of the guilt for having my attention elsewhere?<\/p>\n

— Feeling Neglectful<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Feeling:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got an incomplete idea of how children learn.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t leave them in another room while you work — have them \u201chelp\u201d you!<\/p>\n

A 1-year-old can clang Tupperware lids together while the elder child stands on a chair to help you to wash non-breakable items.<\/p>\n

A 3-year-old can \u201cfold\u201d washcloths when they come out of the dryer.<\/p>\n

My point is that there are many, many lessons embedded in house and yard work — and you could use some of these chores to teach your children.<\/p>\n

Otherwise — yes, let them play independently for short periods while you do your work.<\/p>\n

Dear Amy:<\/strong> \u201cUpset” wrote to you about her son’s girlfriend being uncomfortable when she visits overnight.<\/p>\n

She mentions that they also bring their dogs.<\/p>\n

I suspect the dogs are the problem. Dogs that aren’t well trained can be destructive in their own home, much less in a strange place.<\/p>\n

I wonder how many of the girlfriend’s things have been broken or chewed.<\/p>\n

— Been There<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Been There:<\/strong> I share your instincts about the root of this problem.<\/p>\n

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)<\/em><\/p>\n

Subscribe to our weekly newsletter, In The Know, to get entertainment news sent straight to your inbox.<\/em><\/p>\n

Source: Read Full Article<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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